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Navigating the dating world can be tough terrain for anyone who’s back on the scene after a break-up or singles who feel disheartened. It’s no wonder recent research by the dating app Badoo revealed dating confidence in the UK is at an all-time low. Here, a range of experts share advice on how to boost your dating confidence and have fun looking for a match.
Ask yourself why you are dating
“Ensure you are dating for the right reasons. Establish a purpose that you’re seeking a connection for genuine companionship, emotional support and shared experiences, rather than solely for validation or filling a void. Having a healthy mindset going into this is important so your confidence doesn’t take a dent.” Tina Wilson, leading relational expert and founder of Wingman
Find your hype people
“Share insecurities judiciously with compassionate supporters who champion seeing you fully. Their care reflects capacities for reciprocity when projecting self-esteem internally wavers. And when dating, surround yourself with ‘hype men’ who are smitten with your singularity. Most importantly, playfully date yourself for a while. Inhabiting your wholeness attracts kindred spirits.” Phillippa Quigley , a holistic health and wellness coach who pecialises in relationship counselling
Watch your love language
“Rebuilding confidence in dating demands mastery of language and communication styles. Words wield immense power in shaping perceptions and fostering self-assurance. In an era dominated by online dating, written communication serves as the foundation for connection. Take time to craft compelling messages and engage in meaningful conversations.” Noël Wolf, linguistic and cultural expert at babbel.com
Reconnect with your desires and needs
“Take time to explore your desires and needs in the realm of relationships. Understand what truly excites you and what you seek in a partner. This self-awareness not only enhances your authenticity but also empowers you to communicate your desires confidently. It will help you nurture a mindset that values both your individual needs and mutual connection.” Dr Ritika Birah, a consultant counselling psychologist, drritika.co.uk
Make a love manifesto
“Use what I call the ‘Manifesto for Love’ to define the love you are looking for, such as values, attributes and characteristics in a match. Before going on dates, write your dating manifesto with the intention to set boundaries and help cut out the dross and time-wasters. This will build your confidence and attract potential partners on your wavelength.” Suzanne Roynon, therapist, Feng Shui consultant and author
Treat dating like an experiment
“Don’t look at dating as a mission to find ‘the one’. If you are recently divorced you’ve already been through hell, so treat dating like an experiment and have fun. See how many different personalities you can find. Be curious about what a person has to offer. Remain open-minded and think of it as getting to know yourself through the people you meet.” Janice Holland, trauma coach and therapist, founder of The Courageous Woman
Take small steps
“Begin with small steps, such as initiating a conversation or going on a casual date to avoid putting pressure on yourself. Dating is a gradual process and by starting small and gradually working your way up, you’ll build confidence organically.” Jamie Johnston, founder of dating app Mattr
Keep first dates brief
“Only agree to a coffee on a first date. Dinner can be so intimidating. Agree initially to a coffee and if it turns out to be a good match you can arrange a second date – but if it’s a disaster, you can make it short and sweet. Agreeing to dates will be easier when you don’t feel tied into a whole evening with a stranger.” Nicky Wake, entrepreneur and founder of dating app Chapter 2, chapter2dating.app
Take the lead when planning a date
“If a traditional ‘dinner for two’ leaves you feeling anxious about what to say or whether you will spill food down your chin, suggest alternatives that make you feel more comfortable. This might be a walk, or an activity that offers a natural conversation starter. If you’ve offered this input into the choice of date, you’re much more likely to feel confident when you do meet up.” Georgina Sturmer, MBACP and BACP-accredited counsellor, georginasturmer.co.uk
Swap criticism for self-compassion
“To rebuild confidence when dating, the most important thing to learn is that whatever went wrong in the past is not all your fault. Unless you are a narcissist, you will have an inadequacy script of ‘I’m not good enough’ or ‘there’s something wrong with me’ that is always tantalisingly close to the surface. When this is triggered you feel shame and when we feel shame, our inner critic tends to beat ourselves up even more. The antidote is self-compassion. Swap the critical voice for a kind, supportive one.” Dr Damien Pearse, PsychD, psychologist, trauma and shame specialist
“Take an honest look at yourself and recognise areas for self-improvement. Instead of repeating the same patterns, actively work on addressing the negatives and amplifying the positives. This self-awareness will contribute significantly to your confidence.” Jamie Johnston
Mirror what you want
“Rather than critiquing yourself against some fictional ideal partner, identify core values. Then encourage behavioural alignment through applying those qualities inward first. What traits do you admire in others that you can demonstrate in your own life?” Phillippa Quigley
Anchor your happy self
“Anchoring is a powerful technique that connects you to a positive memory by doing a physical action. Recall a time you felt confident and happy and bring it into the present by squeezing the thumb and forefinger of your left or right hand together. See yourself looking great, laughing and being totally relaxed. Step into this moment and make it bigger, brighter and bolder. Turn up the volume. When you’re getting ready, anchor this memory and do it again for 30-60 seconds just before you meet your date. And again during your date.” Nicci Roscoe, a holistic wellness expert, @nicci_roscoe
One size does not fit all
“Accepting we all have different priorities and preferences is a key step in rebuilding confidence. Just because a relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It simply means you weren’t the right fit for each other and that’s okay.” Jessica Alderson, relationship expert, co-founder of sosyncd.com
Remember you’re not alone
“When rebuilding your confidence, engage in activities that bring you joy. Seek support from friends and surround yourself with encouraging people. Also understand that rejection is a natural part of the dating process. Try and maintain a positive outlook to navigate the ups and downs. And remind yourself the other person is in the same boat as you.” Tina Wilson
Blow away relationship ghosts
“Past failed relationships can cause us to struggle with our dating confidence in the present. But instead of trying to bury painful emotions, embrace and accept them. Think of a past relationship and allow yourself to feel what it brings up. Feel the sadness, anger or frustration, acknowledge and accept it. Take a deep breath and as you breathe out, imagine yourself blowing the emotion away for good.” Oliver Dolby, energy healing specialist, magic. oliverdolby.com
Do some cobwebbing
“Before you open yourself up to the idea of finding love it’s a really good idea to clear the remnants, wreckage and memories of past relationships out of your home and life. This is known as cobwebbing – the same as swiping away all cobwebs in your house.” Suzanne Roynon
Be your authentic self
“Being authentic while dating is crucial for establishing genuine, confident connections. Be honest about your interests, values and aspirations from the outset and avoid pretending to be someone you’re not.” Persia Lawson, dating and relationship coach with Badoo
“To say ‘be yourself’ might seem really basic, but it’s not always common practice. The last thing you want is a relationship based on fabrication. You deserve someone authentic, therefore you should also be authentic.” Carrie Rose, divorce coach and founder of SunUp Coaching LLC
Reaffirm your strengths
“Write a list of all the things you like about yourself; your attributes, physical appearance, all the things you have achieved, all the things you have overcome, what your friends and family love about you. Reflect on this list and realise that you have a lot to offer. There is someone out there right now wishing they could meet someone just like you. So rather than thinking of dating as you searching for someone, see it as you enabling someone to find you.” Eimear Draper, dating expert and founder of Kindling Dating
List your relationship wins
“I recommend listing your past relationship wins, no matter how small, and affirming that those strengths are still present and valid. This could be how supportive, playful, good at listening or brilliant at planning surprises you have been with previous partners. This highlights resilience by reframing failures as feedback to use to improve future connections.” Phillippa Quigley
Set boundaries
“One of the most powerful ways to rebuild confidence is by setting and maintaining boundaries. This means being clear about what you will and won’t tolerate. This shows self-respect and enables you to live in alignment with your values.” Jessica Alderson
See the funny side
“Dating can be a long and tiring road so there’s no harm in cracking a joke and seeking out second dates with people who make you laugh. A potential true friend will find a way to laugh at poor service or bad weather on a walk. And a true relationship starts with a friendship connection.” Janice Holland
Challenge relationship patterns
“We often fall into default patterns in relationships. It’s worth looking back and considering whether there’s anything you’d like to change to avoid slipping into unwelcome habits.” Georgina Sturmer
Cultivate curiosity
“Instead of focusing solely on impressing your date, explore their stories and perspectives. When talking about yourself, don’t share everything at once. This can make dating more engaging as it creates a genuine connection by allowing both individuals to reveal themselves gradually.” Dr Ritika Birah
Play affirmations
“Every day tell yourself ‘I’m a beautiful person inside and out’ or ‘I feel confident and happy’ and keep repeating other positive affirmations to yourself. They will stick in your unconscious mind and start to rewire your brain to believe you are lovable. Write affirmations down and practise them over and over again.” Nicci Roscoe
