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Each week i asks experts to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships
I have been seeing my boyfriend for a few months. I don’t have much experience in the bedroom and neither does he and so we are figuring things out together and going slowly which is really nice.
One issue we have is that he often invites me to go on top and I don’t want to. Sometimes I try but I feel so self-conscious and like I don’t know what to do or how to move.
I kind of freeze and ask if he can go back on top. How can I get more confident about it? Is there a right way to do it?
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Lucy Rowett, a sexologist and sex coach (Instagram: @lucylurowett), says:
The secret to making any sex position feel good is to focus on what actually feels good in it. One of the reasons many women love being on top is that you not only get more direct clitoral stimulation, but because you are controlling the movement and can freely move your pelvis, making it easier to have an orgasm. You can angle your body in a way that feels good.
Before I give any practical tips to feel more confident, first, think about what it could feel like to only have sex in a way that brings you pleasure. What if the next time you go on top, you focus on your own body and how it feels, and move only in a way that feels good to you?
This is where mindfulness can be helpful, where every time you notice a thought coming in about how you look or if you’re doing it right, bring your attention back to what feels good.
Now for some practical tips.
One of the first ways you could get more confident about it is practise on a pillow with a vibrator. It may feel corny at first, but the point is you get to practise the movements while also focusing on your own pleasure. There are some amazing toys out there, especially different versions of The Ruby Glow. Pop it on the pillow and practise grinding in a way that feels good. This will also give you an idea of how you can move your pelvis on top.
During sex, first make sure that you’re feeling super aroused before you go on top, because it will make it much easier. When you notice your brain chattering away, bring your focus back to how good it feels. You can look into his eyes, kiss him, and even lean forward so your fronts are touching and you feel closer.
When you’re on top, you’re basically moving your pelvis in a few different ways. There’s the basic grinding forwards and back, you can do pelvic circles, or you can try small bouncing. Tyomi Morgan is a sex educator who created, “The Cowgirl workout”, where she teaches real life classes in feeling confident being on top.
You could practise those pelvic movements through dancing. Just put on some great tracks of music and practise grinding and moving your hips. Or you could try something like latin dance, twerking classes, or belly dance. All of these give you more practice not just moving your hips, but on how pleasurable it feels to move them too.
Like anything worth doing, sex is a skill you need to learn and keep practising. You will soon get much more confident at going on top through practice and focusing on how good it feels. It could even end up being your favourite position too!
