I worried about my 4-year-old son’s gaming habit

Three or four times a week, my son Xavi, four, and husband Mark settle on the sofa and lose themselves in 1990s video games for half an hour. The Legend of Zelda and Secret of Mana are their vintage favourites: Xavi’s eyes widen in excitement as he tells me about new shields they’ve gained or bosses they’ve defeated.

Mark portrays his game-playing as an act of selflessness done to enrich a young mind – Xavi’s maths is excellent because of the scores he reads on screen, he tells me – but I’m pretty sure they enjoy it equally. Plus, it’s something they share, just as he and seven-year-old Astrid sit and invent stories together for her to illustrate.

Xavi also loves playing games on his tablet, a Christmas present, especially Sonic the Hedgehog. When the tablet timer is up after twenty minutes (a daily limit we set, though I encourage educational games or coding on weekdays, with mixed success), he frequently draws games he’s invented. This weekend, he hid under the bed in a bid to play uninterrupted, without his mum policing his screen time. But police it I do, because Xavi is only four, almost five (his birthday gift is a barely used Super Nintendo that Mark has spent hours sourcing).

I don’t want to feel nervous around, or disapprove of, something that gives Xavi joy. I grew up loving computer games and remember feeling frustrated at how long it took to load Chuckie Egg on cassette at a similar age to Xavi. But in the intervening years, video games have gained a hazard warning: Internet Gaming Disorder, recognised by the World Health Organisation in 2018, confirmed their addictive qualities. I wouldn’t want Xavi drinking coffee or gambling on horses at four, so why expose him to dopamine hits of gaming that might lead him wanting more?

But shielding children isn’t the answer, educational and child psychologist Michele McDowell confirms – to my relief. Instead, she recommends equipping children with useful skills. “It’s important parents support their children in navigating an online world that will be a norm as they get older,” she recommends. “Boundaries and monitoring are key.” While Xavi doesn’t know social interaction between players is possible in more contemporary games, McDowell recommends I educate myself. “It’s essential to be well-informed about parental controls and online safety,” she believes. “Most games aimed at younger users are introducing strict chat filters, which identify and block inappropriate phrases. However, children are still vulnerable.”

Some of my reluctance around video games is because I’d imagined I’d be the type of parent who encouraged free-range beach days, forest romps, frequent camping, with screens a very occasional diversion. For the first two years of Astrid’s life, I rarely switched the television on.

But the best advice I received when having a second child was to lower my standards and I took this to heart. WHO screen time recommendations of avoidance until two, and a maximum hour a day between two to five, based on links with poorer behavioural, cognitive and social development, are so impractical to be long forgotten. Juno, now 18 months, knows Bluey, Bingo, Chili and Bandit better than our extended family and gives them a welcome wave on screen; I feel bad but also utterly charmed by her theme-tune dancing.

While Mark shares the gaming experience, when I offer screens – whether television or tablet – they are makeshift babysitters. Video game researcher Dr Cheryl Olson, author of Grand Theft Childhood: The Surprising Truth About Violent Video Games and What Parents Can Do, asks: “Why feel guilty about putting a toddler in front of a screen for a few minutes so you can shower or hold an adult conversation? Problems arise when devices regularly replace or interfere with live human interactions.” She’s got a point.

I’m heartened by the positives of her game research. “They can help children practice dealing with failure and frustration, teaching persistence and the ability to delay gratification. Many require skills in planning and problem solving, critical skills for success in school and life.” she explains. “They are also a wonderful opportunity to allow your child to teach you something. It’s a thrill for them to play the role of teacher, for a change. You learn so much about your child by hearing them explain game rules, and what makes a game interesting or fun for them.”

She found that teenage boys – admittedly ten years older than Xavi – who play sports video games will spend more time on physical activity, often inspired by the moves they’ve seen on screen. They also give a chance to experiment with identity. “Multiplayer games can be a safe way to see what it feels like to be a ‘bad guy’ or a good guy, to be aggressive or sneaky or benevolent, or to try on different ideas of being masculine or feminine,” she explains. It sounds so much more advantageous than social media, which has led to cruel bullying and seems best avoided by teens if at all possible.

I don’t restrict the time Xavi plays with Lego or drawing, unless it clashes with us going out or eating together, but we do have timers for tablets and video games. When the children code using Scratch Jnr together or play Numbots – a maths app supplied by their primary school – I’m less regimented, but games are limited to 20 minutes.

“Observe how your child plays and allow this to dictate how you manage their time and the types of games they play,” McDowell recommends. “Set boundaries based upon the child’s stage of development, their access to physical and social activities and sleep. Ensure a healthy range of activities, with physical and human contact being prioritised over sedentary activities.” She recommends creating a gaming plan, so rules and time restrictions are outlined before playing.

When Xavi first started playing games with Mark, age four, he found switching off the game distressing and frustrating. We worried that we’d opened Pandora’s X-Box too young; his fun was followed by suffering. The console “broke”. McDowell suggests restricting access if a child “presents extreme emotions during the games or when asked to stop”. Six months later, Xavi’s understanding has developed, and he doesn’t mind the off switch.

While I might always feel ambivalence towards the video game dopamine draw, and strive to balance them with other activities, I’ve no doubt that if Xavi’s drawings of invented video games are early signs of a future games designer career, I’ll be the first telling everyone how I encouraged him young, recognising his Gates-like talent. That hiding place under the bed? Why, it’s his games den, of course.

And in the meantime, I’ll be busy restricting my own screen dependence. “Why do you say you don’t like phones when you keep looking at yours?” Astrid asked the other day. I had no answer.