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Each week i asks experts to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships
After two toxic long-term relationships (one of which was violent) I have met someone who treats me well. We have a good time together and I like them but I don’t know if I fancy them. We have sex and it’s ok but what we do feels a bit vanilla. It’s not bad sex, I just don’t think the physical connection is strong.
Does that matter? I’ve had strong chemistry with people before but the relationships have not been good so I don’t know. Can you build chemistry with someone you don’t fancy that much in the beginning? Or is it something that’s there or not there?
Lucy Rowett, sexologist and sex coach, says:
First, I want to acknowledge how hard it is to come out of not just one but two toxic and potentially abusive relationships. This would have taken incredible courage. Second, remember that there is a big emotional toll that comes from abusive relationships, and it takes much longer than you think you need to recover from it.
What you are describing is incredibly common when you are used to toxic relationships. Your experience of love was likely an intense rollercoaster of intoxicating chemistry and love bombing, then the volatility, abuse, fights, living on eggshells, and constant triggering mixed in with tearful apologies and hot makeup sex.
You never knew what would come next, which was dangerous, and if you’re honest with yourself, there was probably some excitement there too.
I don’t know your past or childhood, but I wonder if there were similar patterns of unpredictability, emotional intensity, or a lack of emotional stability there too? I’m saying this because we tend to choose partners and relationships that remind us of our childhood experience of love because this is what is familiar to us. This is absolutely not your fault, it is totally unconscious.
This could mean that you have unconsciously come to associate love and attachment with drama, intensity, and unpredictability. So it makes sense that somebody who treats you well and is fairly stable is going to feel boring to you – even if you consciously know they’re a good person.
In terms of whether it’s possible to build chemistry with somebody you didn’t fancy much in the beginning – absolutely it is! Lots of couples will back this up, where their relationship started as a slow burn first and then got hotter. From the people I know and have worked with who found a healthy relationship after a toxic one, they said that the chemistry they feel in the healthy relationship is different. Could it be that you are feeling a different kind of feeling with this person and you’re just not used to it?
I am also wondering if there’s some work you need to do around adjusting to what an emotionally healthy relationship is like?
Can you spend some time imagining how it would be to be loved and accepted for who you are, in a relationship where there are no mind games or manipulation, somebody who you can trust and feel safe around? How does it feel to imagine that? Do you feel that you don’t deserve that kind of love? Because you do.
Another question to think on: how much are you allowing your partner to actually be themselves and how much are you actually seeing them for who they are? When you’re used to toxic relationships and start to feel bored with someone, it’s common to start nitpicking them and finding fault in everything they do, sometimes to the point of trying to micromanage their behaviour and criticising them. I don’t know if this is the case for you, but it’s something to think about because your partner will have picked up on it.
Other ways to start building chemistry with them is to consciously focus on what you like and appreciate about them, and keep expressing it to them. Another thing to try is whenever they do something nice or loving for you, take a few moments to genuinely appreciate it. Allow yourself to savour and receive it, and notice how you feel. This helps to start to retrain your mind and nervous system to feel safe feeling loved.
Can you make an intention to savour the moments of calm in your relationship? It could be the simple things like cooking together, when you’re going out and having fun, or pottering around the house together?
Make sure you do more fun things together in general. Can you plan more dates where you’re doing something that will probably make you laugh? Or maybe even some adrenaline inducing activities such as rock-climbing and rollercoasters?
Finally, it’s really important that you communicate with them about this. Tell them you’re finding this strange because you’re used to toxic relationships. You might need them to give you more time and you to give yourself more time to build that connection.
You are healing from trauma and this takes time. This new relationship could be one of the catalysts through which you heal.
Lucy Rowett can be found on Instagram @lucylurowett
As told to Marianne Power
