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Each week i asks experts to answer readers’ questions about love, sex and relationships
My boyfriend is in a custody battle with his ex wife and the mother of his child. She is a nightmare. She is emotionally abusive to her son and was abusive to my partner. We spend a lot of time talking about her because understandably it is the biggest thing in his life right now but I don’t know how much more I can take.
I want to support him but I also don’t want to be his therapist or to feel as if she is the third person in the room all the time. I also don’t like seeing him so angry and obsessed with her. Am I allowed to say this? What is fair? I get that when you meet someone you are accepting them as they are and that includes their baggage.
Lucy Rowett, a sex and relationship coach, says:
This sounds like an awful situation for everybody involved. For your boyfriend, for his child, but also for you. Custody arrangements are never easy, and when one partner is abusive it makes it so much worse.
That said, I want to really acknowledge that this is affecting you badly and that your feelings matter too. You are right, while you want to accept and support your boyfriend, you are also not his therapist and it sounds as if you are being given far too much to hold emotionally. Your feelings and instincts are completely valid, think of them as the canary in the coal mine that something needs addressing because it’s become completely unbalanced.
You shouldn’t feel like his ex is constantly in the room with you, because this is your relationship and you want to focus on building it between you.
In terms of you being allowed to say how you feel, I’m wondering first what is making you think you can’t say anything? Yes, your boyfriend is suffering and needs support, but it’s unfair when the bulk of that suffering then gets put onto you too. Again, you are not and should not take on the role of his therapist, because that will kill any romantic feelings between you very quickly.
That said, there are ways to address this while also communicating with care and empathy.
First, does he have any other emotional support apart from you? Like friends and family? Or any support groups for fathers or parents in difficult custody battles? Or a therapist or mediator? This warrants getting professional support if he doesn’t have it already, especially as you’ve said he is angry and upset about it all the time. This is impacting not just his own mental health, but yours too.
He needs a mix of other people he can vent to, other people who understand the situation, and also advice on how to take care of himself.
What support do you personally have too? Think about ways you can get supported and resourced, whether it’s meeting friends and having coffee, hobbies, sport, or doing anything that lights you up and nourishes you. I always say that in tough times, it’s time to go all out and add in as much support as possible.
When it comes to telling him how you feel, I suggest being clear about what you want him to do or what you want to change. This will make it easier to direct the conversation if it gets heated. Try to pick a time when you both feel relatively relaxed and stick to, “I” statements. Tell him how this makes you feel, and then say something like, “I really think you need more help than what I can give you because of how awful it is, what do you think about xyz?”
If you are worried he will take it badly or get defensive – which it is very likely he will because he’s at a low ebb – try to hold your ground and if it gets too heated, take time to cool off apart from each other.
He may surprise you and be very open to getting more support, because he may not realise how much the situation has deteriorated. However, if he becomes defensive or tries to shift the blame back to you, you need to disengage and set some boundaries. He should not be taking any of his frustrations out on you because you are closest.
Finally, I recommend looking for fun things you can do, both together and for yourself. Fun and play is such a great antidote to stress, and we shouldn’t try to process our feelings 24/7. Can you plan some fun dates? Do something you both really enjoy? This could bring you closer together and strengthen your relationship.
Make sure that you also do fun things for you too. Or maybe find a creative outlet, just something that brings you joy or peace so you can feel more resourced.
Both of you need much more support right now, because remember that as humans we were never meant to do this alone.
Lucy Rowett is on Instagram @lucylurowett
As told to Marianne Power
